I remember reading the world “infertility” on a paper I had gotten from the doctors office the same day they told me I had a condition known as PCOS. As if I didn’t already know it, seeing it made it feel that much worse. This is a topic I haven’t ever really discussed with many people. I have briefly mentioned my husband & I’s struggles of infertility, but never REALLY talked about it. So, here we go.
After trying for a few months for a baby, I felt something was off. I just had this feeling, like my body was trying to tell me “this might take longer than you think. Our ducks aren’t in a row yet!” So, I made a doctors appointment and went from there. I was young, younger than the typical American-first-time-mom looked like. I was almost fresh out of high school, only married for one year, in other words, not an “ideal” infertile client. The doctor I spoke with brushed off my concerns and made me out to be a crazy person for even feeling like I had concerns about my body. I was told they would start looking into things for me after one year of trying for a baby. When you’re trying for a baby and so desperately want a child, being told to wait that long is so hard. Fast forward some few months later, I had spoke with another doctor who, again, brushed it off. I felt so dismissed. Like I was the only one who cared about wanting to know more about my body. How could I have two doctors tell me they wouldn’t look into anything for me? Not a simple blood draw? Something? Anything.
Now the time was closing in on one year of my husband and I trying for a baby. So. Many. Negative. Pregnancy. Tests. Those of you who try for children and plan for them, know that the best, most efficient way of going about this is to chart your cycle to find out when you ovulate, as your chances of getting pregnant during ovulation are much higher. Well, with that peachy pain in the butt PCOS deal (that I still didn’t know I had) I didn’t have periods, like ever. I wasn’t ovulating. I had no clue how to chart cycles or anything. I was frustrated and beyond confused. Just plain tired of it all. Month after month of negative tests, I started to get bitter inside. I knew once I was feeling angry when I saw or heard of a pregnancy announcement, things had to change. This wasn’t me. And this certainly wasn’t the woman God had created me to be. I was tired of crying because of someone else’s miracle growing inside of them. I hated feeling that way. I wanted so badly to share the joy with them, and while I was truly & honestly happy for them, I was sad for me. Sad for my husband. Especially my husband. How could my body do this to him? The “one thing” a woman is supposed to give her husband, I just couldn’t, no matter how badly I wanted to. I cried many tears about this to him and apologized. He assured me every time that my body wasn’t broken. That my value isn’t based off of pregnancy. And he was so right. I was worth so much more than a positive pregnancy test. God used his words to speak to me, and I truly believe that when my husband spoke to me about this, it was God talking through him, to me! I made up my mind to let go & let God. Cliche sounding, right? So true though! I had unintentionally took God out of the equation when it came to having a child. Of course we prayed, of course I told myself from time to time “God has a plan.” But I didn’t REALLY invite Him on this journey with us.
When I called at the one year mark to set up a fertility appointment, the receptionist on the phone told me “you’re so young, maybe that’s why.” Talk about a stab in the gut! Her words broke my heart. I’m sure she didn’t have ill intentions, but regardless, her words hurt me. I couldn’t believe she thought it okay to insert her opinion in the conversation when I didn’t ask for it. I just wanted her to make me that appointment, that’s it. Well, I did get the appointment. The first thing the doctor did was draw some blood. A few different tubes. A few days later, infertile. “You have a condition known as PCOS.” The doctor told me. “you will likely not get pregnant naturally and will need medication to conceive a child.” Holy hit me! What?! As someone who was trying to pursue a more natural lifestyle, knowing I would have to take medication that could seriously mess with my already messed up body was an awful thing to hear. Not only that, but all this time, a simple blood panel could’ve given me answers that I wanted so badly?! The next step, before jumping into medication was to schedule an HSG. To make sure my fallopian tubes and ovaries were doing their job. I was told to come in immediately after my next period to set this up. I was so annoyed with that, though! My next period?! I have gone months & months without a period! I don’t want to wait that long.
During the time where my womb was barren, I had a tremendous opportunity for growth. Tremendous. My, what they deemed infertility, had taught me patience. It taught me things don’t always go my way, no matter how badly I want them to. No matter how bad my husband wanted them to. God gave us this struggle- God doesn’t promise us a life without suffering but that through the suffering, we will bring glory to Him. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all- 2 Corinthians 4:17. What if these sufferings are to only bring glory to God & to give us an opportunity to live as he did? (1 Peter 2:21.) For Him to prepare our hearts for what He has in store for us on that day in eternity? (Romans 8:18.) To help comfort those who need comforting and someone to relate to? (2 Corinthians 1:3-4.) For our benefit, not to harm us? (Romans 5:3-4.) Would we then change the way we look at our struggles? Would we change our attitude about them? In the Bible, it tells us that our struggles are for these things. What a relief, right? It’s freeing knowing and believing these truths. I wish these were things at the forefront of my mind the whole time & not just some of the time. Meditating on these things truly helped my heart during this season of my life.
Shortly after we had found out about my underlying health condition, we decided to tell friends & family to join in prayer with us. Until now, we had been very quiet about our struggles. We went before our family, friends & our church and everyone lifted us up in prayer. Telling people and getting this out there honestly felt good for me. Of course, it isn’t something any woman wants to proclaim to the world, but it felt good to know I wasn’t alone. That I had all of these people who cared about my husband and I. Most importantly, that I had so many people praying for God’s will for our lives and peace in our hearts.
That’s when I saw a pregnancy test that came back positive, okay… it might’ve been $80 worth of pregnancy tests because I was in utter disbelief. (No, seriously. Eighty whole dollars and some change.) I took them for days! We were so excited. I cried and cried and cried. I thanked God a million times over. We told family and friends right away. They were ecstatic right along with us! I believe whole heartedly that we were blessed with a child because of people lifting our struggles up to God, along with us. It was His will for our lives, something I questioned for a while.
Some nine months later, we went on to welcoming our baby girl into our arms in the comfort of our own home, also an entirely spiritual event inspired by God, but that is a whole different blog post!
Friends, families, women, struggling with infertility and the hold this world and Satan may have on your heart, I pray this is an encouragement to you. I pray you don’t just see a story here about some woman who was told she couldn’t get pregnant and did and that’s why her story was a “success.” Instead, I hope you see that this story was a success once faith was put in Jesus and His plan for my life. I hope this can encourage you to do the same. God doesn’t want us to live in sadness and pain, but in peace (Colossians 3:15.) I struggled with becoming pregnant for one year, so much less than some other women do. My heart feels so deeply for them. I feel the utmost empathy and compassion for these women, if you are one of them, I am talking to you. Let our prayer be that God reveals Himself in every situation and that we allow Him to. We can’t ask for God to reveal Himself and stay bitter and angry. We must soften our hearts towards Him and His will for our lives, whatever that may look like. Please know that I am praying along side you. If you would allow me to pray specifically for you, please contact me in the comments section or on my contact page. ❤
Blessings,
Ashley.
Comments